Ever since I was a teenager, I had this idea that the more I sin in any given day, the worse my day would be the next day. What would make my day worse? My dad being mad at me for something. Having bad luck with a homework assignment. Studying the wrong material for an exam. Being late for school. Drum Corps director getting on my case about my lack of skill. Saying stupid things without thinking that hurt a friendship, or hurt a person’s impression of me. Basically all those things that make me really frustrated with myself. And I felt there was a connection with my frustration and the sin of the previous day.
I also felt that there was a correlation with sin and women. My senior year in high school, I had this huge crush on a freshman. Probably the biggest crush I’ve ever had in my life. But our chemistry was off and on. When it was on, it was heaven. When it was off, it was like ice. I realized that when I’m sinning less, our chemistry is better. So I tried my best to stay clear of anything and everything that will cause me to stumble. She became the desire for me to be sinless.
Well, that failed miserably. Nothing ever happened between us. All that effort to be holy was for nothing. But I didn’t learn my lesson.
In college my thought pattern never changed. There was a very clear correlation between my sinfulness and my irritation, frustration, and “bad luck.” While I did not have a huge crush on someone to provide a motivation to be sinless, I really did not like it when I would have this short fuse with my dad on the phone, or everything going wrong in terms of school, or just having a very down day. I remember many days when I’d just eat and eat, not because I was hungry, but because I was depressed. There was a correlation between that feeling and sin. So I tried not to sin whenever I hit those peaks.
My junior year in college, my life changed. This sin problem I had was a big problem. It wasn’t so much because it gave me really bad days, which I felt was God’s chastisement. But it was keeping me from fixing myself. I knew I was going to hell for 2 years, but my sin and love for sin kept me from doing anything about it. And you’d think hell would be enough motivation to fix yourself. But in 1997, I realized it’s not about fixing myself and coming to Christ, but letting Christ fix me. I gave my life to Christ. I felt a peace that I had never felt before. And as for my sinful tendencies…
… they continued.
Now on top of the chastisement of having a bad day, I actually feel the conviction for my sin. I feel the guilt. I then confess. And if I feel like my act of confession is done insincerely, I even confess for that. It’s like sin will just not quit.
And it continues with the ladies. Seems like every time I’m really connecting with a lady, the connection dies when I hit a sin streak. If it’s off and on, I’ll see a correlation with my sin.
So now while I know my sin does not please God, and that is the only reason why I should not sin, I still blame my sin for my bad days and my singleness. Even though I’m not theologically convinced there’s a correlation, I am convinced from experience that there is one. In fact, in writing this, I feel like it’s out of frustration of my sinfulness. It just doesn't end.
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Alex, I've felt the same way for a long time. Its natural for us to find a reason for why bad things happen to us, I feel its in our nature. The sin is not what compels us to ask for forgiveness, its the fear that its consequences may cross over into different things that we don't want disturbed. When something bad happens , we blame it on the sin when in actuality its probably something stupid that we did in that moment.
ReplyDeleteI don't think we could ever hope to NOT sin ever again and no one is perfect but I've always felt like that is an excuse. Perfection isn't meant to be attained but it is meant to be strived for and that's something that we should always consider. I can try not to sin but our intentions should be pure.
I've always felt that parents who promise kids an IPOD if they get straight A's are not teaching their kids anything. Putting a carrot like that doesn't help them because once they get into college, the prize has to get bigger and more expensive and you've set a precedent that can't be stopped. Once the kid reaches a stage that they are beyond a parent's control, the kid will be left scratching their head wondering what their motivation is in life to do something well. The parent from the beginning should make the kid understand the ramifications of failure and not succeeding in life (and scare them to success-haha, but you know what i mean).
Totally agree with your post here, because I think the same way.